...

it,s all so weird, and so very familiar at the same time, though
today i,ve been on the verge of tears and it was-is a strange feeling.
it,s nothingness it,s loneliness it,s numbness
i,m tired of downloading porn and masturbating
i,m tired of the job that is slowly killing me
i,m tired of myself
hollow at the core
hollow at the core

up up through my heart and to my brain

know what?
i thought things could be different this time, but then they weren,t
people around me are becoming increasingly annoying
at work at home hollow at the core
so the sounds echo within incredibly loud
i,ll be alone in the long run
she,s so bossy, i feel like i,m being torn away from my family (is that so bad?) and friends (this is bad)
and i have to wear a mask everytime i,m with hers... all the time... maternity mode...
and things at work are not appealing either, everybody wears masks and pretends, and pretends to be pretending
they freak me out
they fake me off
and i shouldn,t be here
in fact i shouldn,t be anywhere
which is stronger? i shouldn,t be anywhere? i should be nowhere?
fuck!

repeating myself

this is my autobiogrphy
an endless repetition
every summer i want to commit suicide
every single summer
... as if it were different the rest of the year
an infinite spiral-down
check the other entries
c,mon do it and then leave
you shouldn,t be here

and not a single fuck was given any day

in my life

again

i just want to be deleted from the world,s timeline

drop off as gently as a dead leaf 

fly as silently as the dark void

i just want to be erased from people,s minds

gently drop off from a cliff

silently fly and destroy

again

my life

numb

lately i feel numb
i let myself go and live as smoothly as possible until july arrives
i let myself go in every little aspect of my life
you know which ones and you should not be here
this is what i feel
i don't feel
i bought the last depeche mode remixes album just like an automaton and i haven,t listened to it yet
that was a long sentence
prefer shorter ones
like
these
ones



by the way i think i,m starting to repeat myself

...

a reminder

and

i can,t be there for everyone all the time. today i let my girl down just to watch pirates of the caribbean 4 with an old friend, and
to compensate tomorrow i will let my band down on some sms excuse oh how my neck is aching or something like, and
i will do this in the knowledge that i will have to compensate the band so that i will have to let someone else down and, there is no fucking rest for me in this life.
and the roach wakes up just when you arrive after a movie and tells you an ungrateful bastard
and
i want a change
at any cost

those three words

i had declared you deceased just to try to start over again
but now your grandmother says you,re alive
and with one daughter
i had declared you deceased just to get another mantra at night
when dark demons come
to have a different name to comfort me
but you are alive and with one daughter
congratulations
i will see you in the next life

i will not look for you, but how badly i want you to find me

the end (act III)

fuck

it,s over. and by the time being, i don,t want to go back, nor resume at a different point. i give up.
i don,t want to keep the guitar, i don,t want my voice to be heard again, i don,t want my songs played anymore.
it,s fucking over. and by the time being, i,m doing quite fine.


and the other blog can also go to hell





AND YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE, FUCK

brain damage

hypocondriach as i am i think i may have a brain tumor
get inside one of those terryfying machines which make life more livable
get the news
here,s the news
chew swallow choke on it
hypocondriach as i am i will never see them again my loved ones
spelling mistakes make me cry in front of a thousand pedestrians
can,t imagine
don,t want to think about
how life could be without you
when i,m dead

i give up

well, i think it,s obvious by now
i fell into a deep black hole
and i,m going to explode
sooner or later
i only want to sleep
nothing makes me happy
not even slightly
well i think it was obvious from the start
written in the stars above
i want to be hit by a fast german car

i,d love the sound of you walking away

because YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE

fact or fiction?

no one seems to be able to help me

fact.

fact or fiction?

i will not fall into a depression, i will start killing people around

fact.

fact or fiction?

when i,m driving, i put my hands off the wheel just to see what happens

fact.

fact or fiction?

there might not be a long run at all

fact.

fact or fiction?

i have the absolute certainty that in the long run i,ll be completely alone

fact.

fact or fiction?

to add a little spice in my life, i always cross roads with my eyes shut

fact.

fact or fiction?

everytime i look out from my balcony, i find the cracks in the pavement calling my name louder and louder.

fact.

tear down the wall

te d o t e a ll

r w h w

a n

down

brother > clinical depression

girlfriend > had fill of me

work > exhausting unrewarding

friends > see girlfriend

me > no drugs

roger waters > the wall

i can,t become comfortably numb

there,s nothing left for me

just want to go to sleep and never wake up

codex radiohead

for me, this is a song about innocence, about a moment of pure innocence frozen in time, like an old photograph coming out from a drawer. this is you jumping to a calm lake. you jumped as a child, and wish you could jump again, many years passed, and come out as the child you once were. but it,s impossible. you can never go back. and knowledge has made you mean.

again talking about myself using 2nd person singular deictics

all is lost

my brother is now the one suffering from clinical depression

leitmotivs

how funny

computer says i,m dead

oh, no, blogs are dead! lovely blogs!

has anybody ever asked you what is it that you really want?

it,s not my case

i am being swung, shaken and finally torn by the wills of the people i most love

carelessly

and i,m starting to think that nobody really loves me

when i,m starting to love for the very first time in my life

i,ve always walked the paths of happiness - the sun in front of me - a dark shadow following my steps - just beacuse i,ve never cared about anything - the extinction of desire -

i still can,t say no

this has been a weird weekend out. we,ve made love and war. we,ve been rude to one another. but we,ve also been the best lovers. and i,ve missed it so much. it,s been weird. but it,s ok.

and by the way... reprise

he,s one of the best friends i will ever have

my own blood

my brother

in spite of ourselves

in spite of my paranoia

彼は親友の私のいずれかが今までになりますです
自分の血
兄
自分自身にもかかわらず、
私の妄想にもかかわらず、

він один з кращих друзів я коли-небудь буде
моя власна кров
мій брат
Незважаючи на Себе
Незважаючи на мою параною

ai është një nga miqtë më të mirë i do të ketë kurrë
gjakun tim
vëllai im
Në dritën e Jonë
Në dritën e paranojës tim

han er en av de beste vennene jeg noen gang vil ha
mitt eget blod
min bror
Til tross for Ourselves
På tross av paranoia min

彼は親友の私のいずれかが今までになりますです
自分の血
兄
自分自身にもかかわらず、
私の妄想にもかかわらず、

wouldn,t it be nice...

... to spend eternity softly travelling to the ends of the universe?

dead son

i,ll never beget you, son

because i will soon explode

i,m really sorry

but i don,t deserve you

as you don,t deserve me

someone far better

someone far better

you,ll never lean on me, son

because i will fail on and on

i,m really sorry

but i can,t find my ways

so i can,t be of any help

someone far better

someone far better

collapse collapse

bent and cracked

and the tide will wash the whole world away

and i,ll slide down a deep black hole astray

forgive me wherever you are

i never meant it to be like this

forgive me wherever you are

i never meant it to be like this

the child that i was

tears the flesh out of me

and is still chasing me

the loneliness of the reflection on the mirror

the man that i was turned into

i,m sorry, son

i,m sorry, son

maybe i deserve it

i paid for it
300€
wrote the bridge
wrote the lyrics
played the lead guitar
played the bass
sang the backing vocals
imagined the drums
now it,s his
maybe i deserve it
maybe it will be a good story

you should not be here

it,s unreal

today it all suddenly feels unreal

meaninglessness

teenwolf on tv

thief

high

have a shower

make some coffee

sleep

wake up early

just to be in the reds

social appointments

losing my patience

seville drivers deserve a long painful death

sleep tight

now

strange

it,s strange

i sometimes start thinking about having an argument with my girl

she tells me i,m not worth it

she tells me i don,t deserve her

she humilliates me

and i keep standing there, dead but standing

and i walk away, dead man walking

but then back in the world outside - which doesn,t mean the real one -

everything is fine

paranoid thoughts that are whispering me something

that i don,t want to hear

it,s strange

and i owe a lot of money in spite of not being an alcoholic - daddy-like -

i,ve got a steady job - which means monthly incomes -

and i can,t save a cent

i,ve got to pay before earning

just like every single man born on this planet

and by the way...

i thought this would remain a secret. but people from the US, canada, south korea, india, etc... are aware of my blog. i don,t know whether they have discovered it accidentally or not. nevermind. feel free to comment, although, dear friends, you shouldn,t be here.

stressed

and now there,s another problem, the old roach.

becoming unbearable.

the other day i really wanted to stab a knife (and two forks) in its back.

want it to leave to barcelona next summer.

i mean it.

once again

i want to start killing people around